why I hate dogs

poop

Our dog poops in the basement.  We can’t get him to stop.  Tonight we were gone for less than an hour, but when we came home – a nice present on the floor.  He knows where he’s supposed to go, and normally he does a good job.  But more often than should be, he doesn’t wait to go out.

pee

Our dog pees on me whenever I come home.  He really misses us, so whenever we return from being gone he goes nuts, jumping, barking, licking, running around.  Which is all good.  But when he gets to me, for some reason his pee-pee muscle just relaxes.  Never fails.  Every time.  But only for me, not for the rest of the family.

barking

Our dog barks uncontrollably whenever anybody who isn’t a member of our immediate family comes over.  This includes good friends of ours, frequent visitors, and especially the meter reader.  We can’t get him to stop.  For a while our daughter’s friends were afraid to come over because of the dog.  And God forbid another animal walk by the window.

shedding

Our dog is losing his hair.  Or so it seems.  We have dog hair on the floor, on the couch, on our coats, on the table.  You don’t have to find too many of these hairs in your food before you start to wonder how sanitary it all is.

bolting

Our dog likes to bolt.  If we leave the door open a split second too long, he’s gone.  And he doesn’t want to come back.  We can call his name, offer treats, offer car rides.  No luck.  The neighbors have a horse and the dog likes to get in the horse’s pen and yap his head off.  The horse is starting to get annoyed.  I fully expected the dog to get a horse shoe to the head one of these days.

expensive

Our dog costs a lot of money.  We have to feed him, groom him, provide bed and bedding, get his shots, and buy him chew toys.  We were thinking of fencing the back yard, mainly to help with the bolting problem, but that was going to cost a couple thousand dollars.  I was going along with the plan for a while, then one day I woke up and said, “That much money for a stupid little dog?!”

Face it, dogs don’t bring that much value to our lives.  Sheep dogs?  Sure.  Guard dogs?  Sure.  Lap dogs?  Are you out of your freakin’ mind?  I know I was.

I originally posted this article on my other blog, http://weiszguy.wordpress.com.  My editor saw it, liked it, and ran it in the May 7, 2008, edition of the Greenhorn Valley View.

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